the 3rd & final story

Today marks 9 months postpartum & here i am ..... finally sharing out this post. I actually wrote it properly about a month ago (I like to write down all my children's birth stories for my own keeping) but wanted to make a few editing tweaks b/c I haven't shared a birth story before and somehow it feels a little more sacred than sharing other parts of parenting life!

W's birth was wonderful in so many ways. I don't like to compare; compete or contrast but it truly felt like the perfect note to end things on. I also feel it's good to see more sharing of positive birth stories because it feels like there is still so much fear and anxiety around women birthing and it would be lovely if we could derail that narrative.

Leading up to W's birth was probably the most anxious I'd felt in some time (if ever?). My oldest child had just started JK at the beginning of the month & for two weeks straight I thought our 3rd would arrive imminently. I've found with each pregnancy that leading up to birth gets more intense for me. I am definitely the type of gal who likes to go in blind. Knowing what's ahead just makes things a little more complex (for me at least!) I know that's not the case for everyone.

On the 13th I was set for a sweep. With my second; this was what resulted in his quick arrival – so naturally I was worried we’d be heading down a similar path. I was a little relieved when bb stayed put TBH. The morning of the 14th around 5am however things started to move – (light bleeding basically) and so we called my doula & then my mom. Everything was cleared for normal but I knew that today might now actually be.... the day. After a few hours we realized things weren't actually progressing so I decided to opt for a second sweep & continue to rest and try to calm my nerves. Note* birthing is sometimes not linear (ha).

I was told during my second sweep that bb could arrive that eve but very likely it would probably be the following day now. This filled me with mixed emotions because I wanted bb to arrive & I also wanted Emma ( the midwife who was sweeping me ) to be at my delivery the following day (based on her schedule.).

Ugh, I should have known babies come in their own time.

After walking around all day ( as my Mom kept insisting I do) I tried my best to remain calm. Honestly the hours leading up to birth I find to be riddled with stress. The waiting game pre-brith is all consuming - especially if you are interested in a natural progression/minimal interventions. I don't want to fear monger - I personally just always found this will or won't waiting game a big emotional suck! At school pick for my older two I was starting to get the feeling that things were perhaps going to progress so just before 6 I called my doula Tara and told her I was worried things were going to take off and a part of me really wanted to just get to the hospital ( my second birth trauma of the hallway birth was hitting me) . Tara was perfect. She urged me that there was no wrong way to approach this and she’d be happy to come over. So while Mike finished making dinner I struggled to eat & time contractions ( I still have them saved on my phone b/c I can't bring myself to erase them?!) and of course cuddled with my older two while Tara joined us to ease my nerves. It was wild to think that maybe... this new family member would arrive that evening. By 6:45pm I was confident we just needed to get out of the house – I wanted to labour away from my big kids and I wanted the comfort of my own space in the hospital – which is luckily very close to us.

Once we arrived at the check-in I could feel contractions increasing but within a level I could very reasonably talk through. While Mike raced back home to  grab some paperwork we’d forgot – I checked in with my midwife Abir who was on call that night . She confirmed I was barely 3 centimetres dilated – which didn’t qualify me to be omitted. This meant I was given the option of either having her break my water or walking around the streets for a few hours for a more natural progression. After consulting with Tara on how this made me feel – ( because I am very intervention adverse) I agreed that it was the right move to keep things progressing. Around 7:30pm my waters were broken and I’ll never forgot Abir looking at me and saying “ hey , you are pretty strong, that was intense and you didn’t really flinch” . It was exactly the confidence I needed to trust my own body and strength. By 8pm I was settled in a room. Tara had brought these amazing lights that lite up the ceiling – and we begin playing "Oh Wonder" and "Florence The Machine" while I laboured through contractions.

I had always been open to trying to labour without an epidural (for my son the choice had been made by mother nature); but as a result of this I wasn’t sure I’d have the desire to push through that kind of pain intensity again. When the midwives alerted me that I should make the choice sooner rather than later – I looked to Mike, Tara and Abir for confirmation of what I think I always knew was going to be my choice. I was going to go for it. Truthfully, the only person I needed to prove anything too was myself. I had been curious about this after having a bad epidural experience with my first and also wanting more freedom and movement in my labour - so for me the decision felt right. I think it's important to also share that birth in all forms with medication or surgery is equally an amazing feat.

For me, I'll never forget looking straight at Tara to share "I just want to face you when this is all over and scream “ I did it!”. So onward my labour went. With incredible support from Tara, Mike and Abir it was just under 2 hours of labouring and pushing all boundaries of my physical strength. When transition came - I was able to use the nitrous oxide for a few breaths of deep calm before blasting Cardi B's newest single "Bongos" to take me through to the ready for pushing phase. THB, I didn't think I'd make it through this point; which is the tail-tell sign that in fact.... you are very close and will soon see the finish line.

Honestly the whole thing felt wildly chaotic and entirely appropriate. In a magical moment before W arrived…. Emma (my other midwife) had heard I was in labour and biked from a TIFF screening to come and support me through the final minutes. When she reached out her hand as I was about to start pushing - I knew that I was surrounded by amazing female energy & everything was as it should be. It's cheesy but it gave me the final burst of confidence I needed to really deliver this baby on my terms. Delivering on hands and knees felt tribal and barbaric but equally quite empowering.

I never opt to find out gender before birth and was very surprised when a perfect 7 pound bb girl arrived earth-side. Tara caught my reveal reaction on camera and it's pretty incredible to re-watch the moment and feel that genuine surprise all over again.

W's birth gave me a strength and confidence I am forever grateful for. It is one of my proudest achievements that I feel so at peace with. I also want to recognize that my birth was supportive and privileged & I know not everyone has access to this kind of circumstance so I remain truly grateful for it. Also, lastly I can't stress enough that every birth is so amazing to me. If you are about to go through it - my only advice is to trust your journey. Don't worry too much about plans & most importantly you should be really proud of yourself.

Women are amazing.