I want to begin this post by saying that I really, really sympathize with infertility and those who struggle to get pregnant. It is awful. It is unfair. It is exhausting. If you struggle with infertility or infant loss this is going to seem like a really insensitive article & I want to be upfront about that. This post is from the complete opposite perspective and is intended to share the experience of someone who was lucky enough to get pregnant right away but who still felt really scared and overwhelmed by it.
It happened on the first try. Maybe it was the second, actually. Either way it was wildly unexpected. When my husband & I decided to just "see what happens" as so many couples starting families do, we had this narrative that it would take some time. It's great that there is infertility awareness but it lead me to a place of complete shock and panic when I got pregnant so quickly. I know what you're thinking "well, what did you expect?" or "don't complain, could be the opposite". I get it. But when it happened to me I went in search of resources that would ease my mind. I had emotions and thoughts I wasn't expecting. I tried desperately to find a voice that shared some of the feelings I had but I never found one that spoke to me.... so here I am just sharing it with you instead.
1. Wait, do I actually want to be a parent? Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe this was a
mistake.
2. If this doesn't work out it's okay. I'd be fine! Wait, would I be relieved? That's a terrible thought. Don't share that thought.
3. Why can't I be happy? I'm a bad person for feeling this way when others struggle.
4. I feel hormonal, exhausted and on the verge of vomiting all the time. I can't do pregnancy. I'm not made for it. This sucks.
5. Everyone else feels magical & blessed about conception. I feel none of these things. Am I going to be a good mom when this is how I feel this early?
6. I'm terrified about how my body will change and how my life will never be the same.
7. How will I share these fears with my friends who are struggling and not seem like a totally insensitive asshole?
8. I've only been married for 6 months - what if we did this too soon and missed out enjoying newlywed bliss?
9. I just wish it had taken us a couple months so I could process everything. Be more ready. I wasn't expecting it to happen on the first try.
10. This happened too quickly. Something might be wrong with this baby. I can't be this lucky - can I?
You might have read those and rolled your eyes. Maybe you felt one of those ways when you got pregnant too. I felt a lot of shame and guilt for feeling bad, sad & scared. I wish I could have told myself that there is no right way to feel & that every emotion is valid. And oh, you are in fact "just that lucky" but it won't be till 9 months from now that you'll come to realize with the fullest of hearts what that really means.